CNN: HOW ATHEISTS CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS

"With the holiday season upon us, we asked iReporters: If you're atheist, agnostic or a nonbeliever of any kind, how do you celebrate the holidays?"
--CNN, 12/22/11

It's a little-known fact that atheists do worship a god, the pre-Christian satanic goat-deity known to most as Baal. This demon god is the focus of the atheist December ritual.

And while atheists enjoy a tree, a big meal and lots of family time, the main difference is in the details. For instance, while Christians usually exchange gifts, atheists sacrifice the family member deemed most sexually appealing on an altar made of stolen foreskins. This explains why so many atheists choose to become doctors, so that they might steal foreskins.

Sometimes, however, the atheists do exchange gifts. A famous example of this comes to us from way back in 1981, when one atheist biological scientist presented his family with an invention that became quite common the world over: he called it AIDS.

Ripped from the Headlines

"There were no suspicious circumstances," said a [Paris] detective. "It appears that the young woman took her own life."

--The Guardian, 12/15/11

"AU CONTRAIRE, Les Dectifs," said I. "No suspicious circumstances? Look at the bedsheets, the shattered china, the footprints on the parquet. This is clearly foul play!"

"C'est absurde! How could you accuse us of overlooking any evidence, Detective Biederman?" said DeVille. He lit a Galoise. "You have no jurisdiction in Paris--"

"My jurisdiction, detectif is anywhere that the local authorities refuse to get off their lazy asses and do real police work!"

"--and besides," he went on, unperturbed. "I could say that I find it tres suspectes that you just happened to be in Paris for the 2011 International Mister Leather Festival--"

I had heard enough. "This is an Interpol case now," I interrupted. "And I'm leading it."

Personal Memo: Potential Epitaphs

1. The surprise part is that he died, not that he's gay
2. Even his AIDS couldn't save him from the plane crash
3. 6 out of 10, if we're being generous

Honorees for the 2011 Female Descendents of Deceased Supreme Court Justices Ball and Charity Auction

1. Jacqueline Cardozo
2. Jessica "Crackers" Rehnquist
3. Tumbeline Jay
4. Jaunita Holmes
5. Fanny Frankfurter
6. Charo (Great grand niece of Justice Harry Blackmun)

I'm Totally Fine

This is just what my life looks like now.

My Potato Chips: A Socio-Historical Account

The population of the potato chip settlement at my desk is approximately 18. They are all in the same family, the Salt & Pepper Flavored family. They immigrated from Brooklyn this morning. One of them, a baby, didn't make the journey.

Deviating from traditional migration patterns, the chips made their migration in their original bag. Sociologists have been able to identify a couple of reasons for this. One is that previous migrations were so heavy that the ancestral homeland of the chips was nearly depleted by this morning. The second reason is that there were no more sandwich bags.

Even casual observers note that the Salt & Pepper chips are already having a significant impact on the culture of their adopted land: the Keyboard District is greasy, there are crumbs in Chairsville, and the finger population has been very profoundly impacted.

Driven either by these new developments or merely by prejudice, an influential anti-immigrant movement has arisen among "nativist" populations, like Vase of Fake Flowers and Chicken Sandwich. Many Chips point out that the latter of these groups arrived no earlier than Chips themselves, but being more carefully packaged and perceived as more "substantial," Chicken Sandwich assimilated almost immediately whereas the Chips maintained much more of their native culture.

Important Notes From Work, Cont.

Important Notes From Work

The Pope:



















Catfish:




















Birds With Knees and Almonds in the Rain:

Welcome Back

SAM: Welcome back to the EYEZONE! It's time for a roll call: Linda Lash?

LINDA: Present!

SAM: Scott Retna?

SCOTT: Here.

SAM: Iris?

IRIS: Right here!

SAM: Corey Cornea?

COREY: Over here, boss.

SAM: Then let's get blinking!

Point-Counterpoint II

No, You Do Not Have A Splendid Embalming Table.

Yes, I Have A Splendid Embalming Table.

Today's Luncheon Guests

Lady Sarah Anne Chips, The Duchess of Crisps

Dr. Stephen and Marian Carrot Stick
Dr. Stick is the acting head of the National Health Service

His Honor Julian DeKenessy Diet Pepsi and his consort, Lady Jessica Plastic-Cup

Original Draft: The Miracle Worker (with L.S.)

The veranda. ELEPHIE ST. CLAIRE is sitting in the dark outside the party, poking holes in her Braille journal. Enter STEPHANIE ST. CLAIRE in evening gown, exhausted from an evening of dancing with Mr. St. Claire. A waltz can be heard faintly in the distance.

STEPHANIE: It's me, Stephanie St. Claire.

ELEPHIE: It's me, Elephie

STEPHANIE: You hurt me, Elephie, when you introduce yourself to me like that. We've talked about this so, so many times. I know it's you, Elephie. I introduce myself to you because you're blind. But I can see you. Just because I'm your stepmother doesn't mean I don't know who you are.

ELEPHIE: I think you're being pretty sightist.

Independent Woman

Tell me what you think about this:/ I put my lunch in an old plastic bag.

Point-Counterpoint

Point: Don't Dress Your Girls Like Tramps

Counterpoint: Do Dress Your Girls Like Tramps

Morning Show

Brian: Okay it seems we're having some connection difficulties. Bear with us Zonesters as we get Dr. Sally Tungmasters on the line.

What else can I tell you guys in the meantime? Well, Cynthia and I have joined a new church. I know this is going to make some of you pretty angry--and yes, I was a very enthusiastic member of the Colorado Springs Salvational Congregation, and I've got nothing but love for those guys, seriously I do--and I got nothing but love especially for pastor john out there.

But Cynthia, well, I gotta be honest, she was talking my ear off about inconsistencies in the scripture

Now, you guys know I'm an educated guy, but i'm not a big reader. But I got to reading some of the stuff Cynthia was printing off for me and I gotta say, it opened my eyes about the Lord, and about women taking their rightful place in the Kingdom of Heaven.

You Zonesters know I’m still a man's man--that's just who I am. But part of being a man is standing up for your women, which is why I let Cynthia take the lead on this one, and we started trying out the Mountainville Church of the Holy Lord. They've got a lay preacher, services take place outside. Sounds pretty hippy-dippy to a lot of you, I’m sure, but it's really meant a lot to me.

Now, I think we have a connection with Dr. Tungmasters, are you there?

Dr. Tungmasters: I’m here Brian but I can’t get the mic to work

Interview with The Congressman

Please welcome Congressman Draco Salazar van Droste. Take off your mask, Congressman, and have a seat.

I'm so pleased to be here Diane, but I'm afraid I'd rather leave the mask on.

I can barely hear you, Congressman. At the very least, please agree to speak directly into the microphone.

I'd rather not do that either, Diane.

Congressman, please.

Oh, I'm just kidding, Diane. Of course I'll speak into the microphone and remove my mask. As I remove it, you and your viewers will see quite why I keep it on. The entire upper half of my face hasn't any skin on it.

Must make campaigning time very hard for you, isn't that so, Congressman, hahaha?

Potential Names for Children's Joke Book

1) Gutbusters
2) Super Gutbusters
3) Super Gutbusters from Granny's Attic
4) 1001 Jokes To Tell After Dark
5) 1001 Super Gutbusters To Tell After Dark
6) Shhh...My Friend I Want To Tell You A Joke
7) 1001 Racially Sensitive Jokes for Kids
8) Now SMELL THIS: 1001 Jokes for Boys
9) The Butterfly Highway: 101 Nature Jokes for Children
10) Super Slutbusters