Potential Memoir Titles

The Wrong Side of Trivial

She Fat: Memories of Gay New York

The Hardy Boys and the Mystery of the Spiral Bridge

The Homosexual Gaze

The Homosexual Gays

Henry James Describes My Best Friend's Apartment

Her apartments were spacious, airy, and free from precious clutter so popular in her contemporaries' lodgings, so that any assortment of gentle- men and women might come and go as they please without worrying they might upset an expensive vase or marbled umbrella-stand. 

In the early summer heat, the condition of the place had slightly altered, as the resident had been without domestic aid of any kind but a door-guard for some weeks. Here there were office-papers; there, garments of an unspeakably impolite nature; and by the window, knick-knacks whose value was that of only cheap and low sentiment.
 

The art was not grand or even beautiful, and its purpose was less to evoke feelings of reflection or revelation, and more to announce firmly a sort of upper middle class station of its owner. The selection of books, while seemingly wide at first glance, was curiously narrow upon examination, such that gentleman suitors using a pretense of borrowing a good book as a means of obtaining admission to her bedchamber often found themselves rapping their fingers nervously against the shelves, and suddenly remembering they'd taken a library loan.



Echoing through the drafty hallways and vibrating the ceiling beams were the unashamed voices of the fellow cliff-dwellers, among whom numbered a young, engaged lady financier who reprimanded her paramour for his careless method of driving an automobile in the city; and a quiet gentleman of indeterminate age and origin, given to serenading the adjacent apartments with the click-clack of his outworn boot.

Cell Phone Johnny

Legend has it that Cell Phone Johnny traveled from coast to coast between 1990 and 1998. He discreetly placed cell phones in each town he visited, leaving them in shopping carts, on top of gas pumps and on playground swings. In each hamlet, he charmed the young ladies with his uncannily accurate repetitions of the sing-song tunes of popular ring tones. Cell Phone Johnny is lost to history, but if you look closely you can still see the tracks of his Segue along the back roads of certain villages across the country.

Chilifest '12

It had some ingredients in it that may or may not have made it taste like metal. In addition there might have been a price tag that somehow wound up in the chili, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't my fault.

CNN: HOW ATHEISTS CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS

"With the holiday season upon us, we asked iReporters: If you're atheist, agnostic or a nonbeliever of any kind, how do you celebrate the holidays?"
--CNN, 12/22/11

It's a little-known fact that atheists do worship a god, the pre-Christian satanic goat-deity known to most as Baal. This demon god is the focus of the atheist December ritual.

And while atheists enjoy a tree, a big meal and lots of family time, the main difference is in the details. For instance, while Christians usually exchange gifts, atheists sacrifice the family member deemed most sexually appealing on an altar made of stolen foreskins. This explains why so many atheists choose to become doctors, so that they might steal foreskins.

Sometimes, however, the atheists do exchange gifts. A famous example of this comes to us from way back in 1981, when one atheist biological scientist presented his family with an invention that became quite common the world over: he called it AIDS.

Ripped from the Headlines

"There were no suspicious circumstances," said a [Paris] detective. "It appears that the young woman took her own life."

--The Guardian, 12/15/11

"AU CONTRAIRE, Les Dectifs," said I. "No suspicious circumstances? Look at the bedsheets, the shattered china, the footprints on the parquet. This is clearly foul play!"

"C'est absurde! How could you accuse us of overlooking any evidence, Detective Biederman?" said DeVille. He lit a Galoise. "You have no jurisdiction in Paris--"

"My jurisdiction, detectif is anywhere that the local authorities refuse to get off their lazy asses and do real police work!"

"--and besides," he went on, unperturbed. "I could say that I find it tres suspectes that you just happened to be in Paris for the 2011 International Mister Leather Festival--"

I had heard enough. "This is an Interpol case now," I interrupted. "And I'm leading it."

Personal Memo: Potential Epitaphs

1. The surprise part is that he died, not that he's gay
2. Even his AIDS couldn't save him from the plane crash
3. 6 out of 10, if we're being generous