CNN: HOW ATHEISTS CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS

"With the holiday season upon us, we asked iReporters: If you're atheist, agnostic or a nonbeliever of any kind, how do you celebrate the holidays?"
--CNN, 12/22/11

It's a little-known fact that atheists do worship a god, the pre-Christian satanic goat-deity known to most as Baal. This demon god is the focus of the atheist December ritual.

And while atheists enjoy a tree, a big meal and lots of family time, the main difference is in the details. For instance, while Christians usually exchange gifts, atheists sacrifice the family member deemed most sexually appealing on an altar made of stolen foreskins. This explains why so many atheists choose to become doctors, so that they might steal foreskins.

Sometimes, however, the atheists do exchange gifts. A famous example of this comes to us from way back in 1981, when one atheist biological scientist presented his family with an invention that became quite common the world over: he called it AIDS.