CNN: HOW ATHEISTS CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS

"With the holiday season upon us, we asked iReporters: If you're atheist, agnostic or a nonbeliever of any kind, how do you celebrate the holidays?"
--CNN, 12/22/11

It's a little-known fact that atheists do worship a god, the pre-Christian satanic goat-deity known to most as Baal. This demon god is the focus of the atheist December ritual.

And while atheists enjoy a tree, a big meal and lots of family time, the main difference is in the details. For instance, while Christians usually exchange gifts, atheists sacrifice the family member deemed most sexually appealing on an altar made of stolen foreskins. This explains why so many atheists choose to become doctors, so that they might steal foreskins.

Sometimes, however, the atheists do exchange gifts. A famous example of this comes to us from way back in 1981, when one atheist biological scientist presented his family with an invention that became quite common the world over: he called it AIDS.

Ripped from the Headlines

"There were no suspicious circumstances," said a [Paris] detective. "It appears that the young woman took her own life."

--The Guardian, 12/15/11

"AU CONTRAIRE, Les Dectifs," said I. "No suspicious circumstances? Look at the bedsheets, the shattered china, the footprints on the parquet. This is clearly foul play!"

"C'est absurde! How could you accuse us of overlooking any evidence, Detective Biederman?" said DeVille. He lit a Galoise. "You have no jurisdiction in Paris--"

"My jurisdiction, detectif is anywhere that the local authorities refuse to get off their lazy asses and do real police work!"

"--and besides," he went on, unperturbed. "I could say that I find it tres suspectes that you just happened to be in Paris for the 2011 International Mister Leather Festival--"

I had heard enough. "This is an Interpol case now," I interrupted. "And I'm leading it."

Personal Memo: Potential Epitaphs

1. The surprise part is that he died, not that he's gay
2. Even his AIDS couldn't save him from the plane crash
3. 6 out of 10, if we're being generous